No better reason...

...to start bloging again than the experience of having a new monitor to go with my laptop. 

Oh, and a keyboard as well as I have to use my laptop in the closed clamshell mode.

22 inches of beauty staring at me and my goodness how much bigger everything is!

I have 2 weeks til my start of school and so much (and so little) has happened to me in the last 6 weeks being home.

I had to file back taxes for the last 6 years. Yes, I am one of those clueless idiots who thought the IRS would never think to find me. They didn't find me but for financial aid I had to go to them as show them my income. Should be ok, I didn't make so much, but the whole experience was stressful trying to talk the accountant through the german documents.

I have taken some photos - not as many as I would have liked - but I haven't gotten around to doing much with them.

I will soon though.

2 Weeks Back

I'd like to say that I have gone head first into my new life.

I haven't. 

Thank you, jet lag.

But, things are slowly getting to be "normal" for me.

If by normal I mean this new life I have for myself.

Thanks to my brother and my father, I got home the same day as I arrived (longest day ever). I am quite sure my dad will never go to the JFK airport (read: New York City) again.

I've had a few funny run-ins with the revers culture shock that I want to share. Some very pleasant, some not so funny. But that will come over time. I'll start writing about them soon.

But before that we have a new member of the family:

Caleb (or Kaleb, I have no idea):

On The Way

Day 1 of my new life.

I am sitting in the airport and have 90 minutes til boarding. Thanks to Carsten, I had a stress-free trip to the airport.

I simply can’t wait to get home. To Rochester. To the next stage of my life.

I’m scared and sad, excited and exhausted. overwhelmed and overspent, free and fettered. I left my apartment I have grown to love and hate for the last time. I stood admiring the view on the balcony listening to the choir of birds and realized that I won’t have that moment ever again. I hate that the blackbirds woke me up at 4AM but perhaps I’ll miss it. Perhaps I’ll miss the water heater in my bathroom kicking on and waking me up. Perhaps I’ll miss the creaky floor and the way-too-small kitchen.

I left wanting more but not needing any more. I’ll stay in touch with those I consider good friends and the rest I’ll chalk up as experience. There was always something I could have done to enhance my experience but I did what I could - what I wanted to really do.

Dresden has given me mostly ups, but the downs were really down. I will miss life here. But I won’t miss the inflexibility of the typical German. But I also know that it’s just a stereotype and these kinds of people are everywhere.

I’ll miss my own space. Really my own space. So far away from my family and it had to me my own or I would have failed. I’ll miss the parties. European parties are simply better. I’ll miss the good connections I mad with some people. I’ll miss Ivana. I hope to see her in August. Seeing her pull away on the tram is the last thing I’ll remember about her. How sad!

Starting over again is also liberating in a way. I have the chance to really learn from the mistakes I’ve made and do something about them. Will I? I have no idea. I get lazy. I get dumb. We’ll see i guess.

I bought a new watch using a gift card my boss gave me. It will remind me of my time here. I need a nice ending memory to counter the drama with my internet company (fuck telecom companies!) and my hen-pecking landlord. I didn’t want to leave him with a heap of garbage and an unpainted apartment but I suppose I am indirectly teaching him a lesson: don’t wait 3 years to bill me for my energy and then say my security deposit will cover the last 3 years of energy...why would I then paint and clean, etc? I did manage, with Ivana’s help, to clean the place.

So I sit all day. I sit and wait for the next step and the next and the next. One step away from the unfriendly service people who gave me coffee today. On step away from probably never hearing German again. One step away from setting foot in my home country and resting from the last 3 months of stress and planning and arranging and organizing.

I am quite sure my life won’t be that much better. But I’ll be able to start a band, speak my own language at an adult’s level, express what I really want to in words that most (hopefully) will understand and focus my energy on what I really want to do instead of doing the only thing I am allowed to do.

And that is how I feel as I have one hour til boarding my flight to Frankfurt.

What To Do....

What does one do their last day in a country?

Photos? A quick walk around to take in the atmosphere? 

No. Cleaning. Packing. Garbage. Stress.

I am pretty sure that anyone from a different country living in the USA has the same issues trying to "de-register" and get all your paperwork ducks in a row, but I hate it.

Let's eliminate paperwork and bureaucracy. Seriously.

Anyway, it's a nice morning here and I do want to get out and take some last photos here but am not so sure because I have to throw away all the crap I can't take with me. (= not easy in the German system)

I have to make small "stealth" runs when throwing away my stuff. Here, they have containers for each building and you have to separate the garbage into 3 main categories: paper, plastic and "other". I have grown to really - REALLY - love the "other" because that is where you can technically throw anything. The problem is I can fill the thing on my own and that leaves very angry neighbors (who go through my garbage and sort what I didn't do good enough).

So what is the solution?? Street garbage cans!

That's right! I take an innocent-looking shopping bag (not see through because that would give away the plan) and walk up a block or so and dump whatever I want into those small havens for my unwanted things. 

No guilt. No dirty looks from the neighbors. Just simple elimination bliss.

Yes, I should be out taking photos.

But I have to plan my garbage exodus. 

Not Welcome

I got a visit yesterday from an old friend:

Panic Attack

This time it was a full-blown-in-public-can't-catch-my-breath attack.

I'd never had one like that before.

Stress??!!

3 weeks, 3 days and 3 hours.

3 weeks, 3 days and 3 hours.

I am now finalizing all my things here in Germany to move back to the USA.

Such a bittersweet time for me, I have to admit. I will miss many things here that I have grown to be used to, and at the same time looking forward to the things that I miss, and the things I will be doing in the next 2 years.

My life has been good here. I have learned the beauty of a simpler life and how to be less "consumerist" towards the normal things in life. I still want things, mind you, but not as often nor as many.

I was able to live in a beautiful city in a beautiful country. I was able to travel and see many places in Europe. Some I fell in love with, some I will never return to.

I was able to reflect on my life - more specifically my personality - and realize that I am strong enough, decisive enough, and able enough to do the things I dream about.

I have come to certain conclusions about who I am and what makes me who I am and while that will undoubtedly change over time as it always does, it gives me a good springboard for the next chapter in my life.

I am mostly happy with the thought of coming home. I hope that I am able to share the experiences I have had here. I only hope that those around me are interested - really interested and not "American interested" - in what I have to say.

I have met some really great people here, and have learned many lessons about the nature of people and have lost some supposed friends. I have realized that relationships end sometimes and while I think I have coped well, I can always do better.

I have learned about the German culture. I have learned how to navigate the personal arena; what makes a friend in the eyes of a German, what things they take personally and that once you are a friend, you are pretty much a friend for life with no conditions. My good friend Carsten, for example, when I asked for help moving he said yes with no thought, no checking his schedule, no hmming and hawing, just "YES" and I will miss that.

I am going to miss the international flair of my workplace. It was fun to share the differences in cultures and to make fun of the little differences in language between the US, UK, Australia and other places. These are things that I won't really be able to share with those at home because....just because.

I am coming home a richer person in experience. I hope that I can remember everything that I have learned here. I never want to forget my time in Dresden. And I hope that I can use my experiences to aid my future success.

And I am scared. Moving home in the "worst financial crisis ever", and trying to study will pose challenges that I hope I can overcome. I am scared that won't be good enough to achieve the success I desire. Not a selfish success, but success enough to provide for myself.

I have loved and lost, loved and lost and loved again. Prague will always have the most special place in my heart for many reasons. Paris a close second, and Italy will be my favorite country for a long, long time.

I will always appreciate that I have made friends with people who were former "enemies" of our political system...sitting in an East German's yard having a bbq and enjoying wine. Speaking to these people about the differences and similarities we share, mostly similarities, is priceless.

I am anticipating "reverse culture shock" when I come home. I will get cranky and impatient with the way things work in the US. I am sure I will have more than my share of comments or derisive chuckles but I am nevertheless looking forward to reconnecting with my culture and friends. I am going to donate blood because I want to do good even in a small way. I want to learn more about the city I was born in. I am quite ashamed that I know more about my "host city" than I do about my home city.

I am sure that I will have so much more to write about this time in my life. I have been obsessed with gaming which has somehow been my coping mechanism but I have to now pull myself back to reality - even just a little bit - to express these feelings and start the next chapter in my life. 

I am looking forward but won't be able to stop looking behind for quite a while.

Even As a Teacher, I Still Can Learn

The student probably never suspected it.

But I thought it. From the very first time I had him.

There was a student in a group and he was a bit "special". There is usually one in every group; one who just can't keep up or seems to refuse to try in a group.

Well, it was no exception with this group—a group of unemployed older people paid to come to our school to learn English.

Some are motivated because it will help them develop skills, others come simply to get money from the government.

He barely seemed to try, he never spoke correctly, and he was difficult to teach.

Only today, at the end, did he say something about why he was this way.

He had a head injury and it caused him to be a slow learner. It made him socially obtuse in almost every way, to be honest.

So, I misjudged him.

And it showed me that I shouldn't do that. How do I know what kind of past a person has had?

I had Visitors...

A couple weeks ago, I had some visitors.

Ria, a former co-worker, and her friend Sean.

It's nice to have people here because I get a chance to see the cities vicariously and it's nice to experience that from time to time. Living here for so long, I get jaded and cranky but so see the city with fresh eyes makes me realize how nice Dresden can be.

We did Dresden, Prague and Berlin. They then went off to Munich.

We ended their visit here with an Oasis concert. I actually thought they played well, but I don't like the singer...he doesn't really have a range at all.

Here are some photos!

Another Slacking Blogger

I have no good excuse.

Really.

None.

I can blame it on many things but I am just lazy.

And I want to try to change it.

But at the moment,  I have to try to organize my ideas to share and I don't know where to begin.

I haven't had a chance yet to give my notice at work and I am not doubting my decision. My plans are built upon so much that could not happen and I don't want to make the wrong decision. I don't want to fail.

But the other side is that I can't stay here doing what I am doing now.

*sigh*

Cat is Out of the Bag

For the 1 follower of my blog and the few that stop by to read it, I have to apologize for the infrequent posting. I will try to write more but won't promise.

This post is going to be personal and I ask for those friends of mine who read it to offer what advice you can.

Things here in Germany are good. I have a job, a (small) nice apartment, a girlfriend and have settled into a very comfortable life where I can work 6 hours a day and live. I'll never be rich, but I can live here.

About 4 months ago, the girlfriend and I had a fight. In this fight, she triggered a reaction in me that made me look into coming back home and to study photography - something that I have always wanted to do. When I was home, I applied at RIT for the visual media program "just to see".

I was accepted.

So now I am standing at a crossroads. I have told the girlfriend about what I intend to do. The reasons I gave were mainly my family, but also my culture, friends, language as well as more opportunity.

She argued that I could be a photographer anywhere and that I was just running away.

Perhaps she is true but I can explain.

She and her mom bought a villa in her home city. It's a "fixer upper" and they have been working on it for almost 3 years. The thing that kinda irks me is that remaining in this situation would have me ending up living with the mother-in-law. Never any privacy, never really feeling like it was "my castle". (bear in mind that they have their own floors, separate but never alone)

Well, the house is almost finished. Anytime I go visit her, it's not so much that we see each other but more she puts me to work - or wants to. I resist sometimes.

What I see for the next 10 years or so there is gardening (hate it!), housework like stripping paint or shoveling coal and never ever feeling that I have my own comfortable place. She has tried to include me in the decision making processes but all in all I cannot change the living situation.

So, if I stayed with her, I'd have to move to another country (again), learn another language (again), not be understood or not understand anything for 4 months (again) and I am tired of it.

I am tired of fighting simply to do daily things that are normal to everyone else on their culture.

I care about the girlfriend but I am looking at the rest of my life...am I wrong for being a little selfish? Maybe even a lot selfish?

She told me that she'd live in the US with me for a couple years while I study but then intends to move back to her city. Reasons?? Family, opportunity, friends.

Right: she won't do what she expects me to do.

So I am bordering depression mulling this whole thing over.

Aside from that, I hate my job. HATE. Over the last 3 months, I have learned that my company does not care about the actual quality of the work but only that the paperwork is filled out correctly.

And I don't want to do what I am doing forever.

So, I feel that I am languishing in my situation. I feel that I can have a more fulfilling life if I move back home.

I am choosing between relative comfort here, to being closer to my family and having more opportunity.

And that is probably why I am hiding in my stupid game so much.