The Purging of my Soul

This won't be an easy post. I left my journal at work, and I need to focus my mental energy into something physical. For those who read it, I hope you understand it. Here goes:

Ivana broke up with me last night. I knew it might happen, since we fought a few days ago, and she started saying "I'm not so sure we're a good match", and things like that. Perhaps I prepared myself for it, because the feeling of trepidation isn't so intense.

Or, maybe I didn't love her the way I thought I did. I have to kick this idea around. The way we argued - and all couples argue sometimes - wasn't productive. I simply felt she didn't take my feelings into consideration. When you are in a relationship, that person should be important. That person should not be made to feel unimportant. Too often, people have the mind set "oh, he/she will always be here so I can do what I want and they shouldn't take it personally". Well, that is inconsiderate.

However you cut it, it is not respectful to someone when you tell someone that you'll be home to talk at a certain time, and 45 minutes after that time, that someone is sitting at home, waiting and wondering, and gets an sms saying "I met a friend, we're gonna get a beer, talk to you tomorrow".

What if I shifted plans to talk - maybe I postponed plans to get home and talk with her and now I am totally screwed for the night? What does that say to me? It's not respectful. Period.

Of course, I never told her she couldn't do that. I told her it made me angry. I don't want to tell anyone what to do. In retrospect I should have told her it hurt me. Because it did.

Last weekend was the icing on the cake, the straw that broke the camel's back, or anything else you want to use to describe it: she came to visit me as always on the weekend. Saturday she got a message from a student of hers - a man - and chatted with him on and off ALL WEEKEND. I can't think of any student I'd do that with, and this wasn't something she would typically do. I got a bit nervous and felt a little threatened. She tried to play down my feelings saying that I am always getting jealous and there is nothing to it, and what is the problem...blah blah.

I never told her she couldn't talk to him. But I felt abandoned. She would spend time with me, but I'd say every hour or so she'd talk to him for 15 minutes of it.

Not normal. Definitely not considerate. It was so bad, in fact, that I went into the bedroom where the computer is and laid on my bed waiting for attention, making comments every so often. Attention came, but only after a while.

I tried to put her in my shoes. "how would you feel if I came to your place and chatted with a female student all weekend on your computer?"

She apologized, but after 2 days. But she was angry at me for being upset.

Maybe HURT was the better word for me to use.

And I can't think of anyone who would be happy letting that happen.

She said "I want a relaxed relationship". So did I. So don't put me in situations where I can get jealous/hurt/whatever. Take my feelings into consideration. THAT'S ALL I WANT.

Don't tell me that you and some class mates made a bet and the loser of the bet has to do a strip tease. If it's serious or not, NO guy wants to hear that. She said it was funny. I felt uncomfortable anytime after that when she mentioned going out with these people. I never said she couldn't. But DON'T tell a boyfriend these things.

It'd be more respectful if she simply didn't do it. But that's neither here nor there.

Don't chat with some guy she "met" on my computer and try and send him a photo. How does that seem to anyone out there? Innocent? Perhaps, but it sends signals to the other person...and since I am guy, I know how guys think. And I am not supposed to feel threatened/jealous/hurt/angry?

It simply boils down to perhaps her last relationship was great. They never fought. but I can't imagine her doing these things to him. She did them to me. I defended my point of view - never telling her she could or couldn't do something, but she needs to know that her actions can make someone angry. Or hurt. Or jealous. She knows now.

Maybe the last boyfriend was a doormat. Spineless. Meek. Whatever you want to say. But I can't imagine anyone being comfortable with these situations. Guy or girl.

Perhaps I have narcissistic tendencies. I've thought about it. But realistically, I think that it is more that my feelings weren't considered.

And I'd love to hear anyone's opinion on the matter.

So now, I can cut my hair shorter again. I can take trips to visit friends again. I have my weekends back. Jess and I are talking about going to Budapest. That sounds cool.

I even thought about making the move back home to the US. I'm not sure I can give up 5 weeks paid vacation though...