On The Way

Day 1 of my new life.

I am sitting in the airport and have 90 minutes til boarding. Thanks to Carsten, I had a stress-free trip to the airport.

I simply can’t wait to get home. To Rochester. To the next stage of my life.

I’m scared and sad, excited and exhausted. overwhelmed and overspent, free and fettered. I left my apartment I have grown to love and hate for the last time. I stood admiring the view on the balcony listening to the choir of birds and realized that I won’t have that moment ever again. I hate that the blackbirds woke me up at 4AM but perhaps I’ll miss it. Perhaps I’ll miss the water heater in my bathroom kicking on and waking me up. Perhaps I’ll miss the creaky floor and the way-too-small kitchen.

I left wanting more but not needing any more. I’ll stay in touch with those I consider good friends and the rest I’ll chalk up as experience. There was always something I could have done to enhance my experience but I did what I could - what I wanted to really do.

Dresden has given me mostly ups, but the downs were really down. I will miss life here. But I won’t miss the inflexibility of the typical German. But I also know that it’s just a stereotype and these kinds of people are everywhere.

I’ll miss my own space. Really my own space. So far away from my family and it had to me my own or I would have failed. I’ll miss the parties. European parties are simply better. I’ll miss the good connections I mad with some people. I’ll miss Ivana. I hope to see her in August. Seeing her pull away on the tram is the last thing I’ll remember about her. How sad!

Starting over again is also liberating in a way. I have the chance to really learn from the mistakes I’ve made and do something about them. Will I? I have no idea. I get lazy. I get dumb. We’ll see i guess.

I bought a new watch using a gift card my boss gave me. It will remind me of my time here. I need a nice ending memory to counter the drama with my internet company (fuck telecom companies!) and my hen-pecking landlord. I didn’t want to leave him with a heap of garbage and an unpainted apartment but I suppose I am indirectly teaching him a lesson: don’t wait 3 years to bill me for my energy and then say my security deposit will cover the last 3 years of energy...why would I then paint and clean, etc? I did manage, with Ivana’s help, to clean the place.

So I sit all day. I sit and wait for the next step and the next and the next. One step away from the unfriendly service people who gave me coffee today. On step away from probably never hearing German again. One step away from setting foot in my home country and resting from the last 3 months of stress and planning and arranging and organizing.

I am quite sure my life won’t be that much better. But I’ll be able to start a band, speak my own language at an adult’s level, express what I really want to in words that most (hopefully) will understand and focus my energy on what I really want to do instead of doing the only thing I am allowed to do.

And that is how I feel as I have one hour til boarding my flight to Frankfurt.