This post is going to be personal and I ask for those friends of mine who read it to offer what advice you can.
Things here in Germany are good. I have a job, a (small) nice apartment, a girlfriend and have settled into a very comfortable life where I can work 6 hours a day and live. I'll never be rich, but I can live here.
About 4 months ago, the girlfriend and I had a fight. In this fight, she triggered a reaction in me that made me look into coming back home and to study photography - something that I have always wanted to do. When I was home, I applied at RIT for the visual media program "just to see".
I was accepted.
So now I am standing at a crossroads. I have told the girlfriend about what I intend to do. The reasons I gave were mainly my family, but also my culture, friends, language as well as more opportunity.
She argued that I could be a photographer anywhere and that I was just running away.
Perhaps she is true but I can explain.
She and her mom bought a villa in her home city. It's a "fixer upper" and they have been working on it for almost 3 years. The thing that kinda irks me is that remaining in this situation would have me ending up living with the mother-in-law. Never any privacy, never really feeling like it was "my castle". (bear in mind that they have their own floors, separate but never alone)
Well, the house is almost finished. Anytime I go visit her, it's not so much that we see each other but more she puts me to work - or wants to. I resist sometimes.
What I see for the next 10 years or so there is gardening (hate it!), housework like stripping paint or shoveling coal and never ever feeling that I have my own comfortable place. She has tried to include me in the decision making processes but all in all I cannot change the living situation.
So, if I stayed with her, I'd have to move to another country (again), learn another language (again), not be understood or not understand anything for 4 months (again) and I am tired of it.
I am tired of fighting simply to do daily things that are normal to everyone else on their culture.
I care about the girlfriend but I am looking at the rest of my life...am I wrong for being a little selfish? Maybe even a lot selfish?
She told me that she'd live in the US with me for a couple years while I study but then intends to move back to her city. Reasons?? Family, opportunity, friends.
Right: she won't do what she expects me to do.
So I am bordering depression mulling this whole thing over.
Aside from that, I hate my job. HATE. Over the last 3 months, I have learned that my company does not care about the actual quality of the work but only that the paperwork is filled out correctly.
And I don't want to do what I am doing forever.
So, I feel that I am languishing in my situation. I feel that I can have a more fulfilling life if I move back home.
I am choosing between relative comfort here, to being closer to my family and having more opportunity.
And that is probably why I am hiding in my stupid game so much.
7 comments:
I know how you feel... I felt it too when I was in Dresden. I was happy for the most part, but felt like I was wasting my time, (read life). I thought it was OK to have this life (which was great, short working hours, time to do other things like read (or play computer games) but it was not.
I had to do what I was meant to do, and not a meanwhile thing that was turning into my life. Yesterday I was at the opening ceremony of a building I worked on very had, and met its users, and they were happy. I was happy too. Is it better? do I miss Europe? Would I like to have more free time?, Would I do it again the same way?
If you read between the lines, the answer is clear.
Dan
ps: take her with you, life companions are hard to find and she is pretty and you are kind of ugly.
I agree, dan, but the problem is that she will come with me but wants to come back after some time.
Bob-
Has she ever lived in America? Maybe she would love it in the US so much, she would want to live here permanently, you never know until you try, plus it would give you both time to explore all options.....
I think you need to do what is best for you. Sometimes there is an impasse in a relationship and you have to chose what's best for you. Selfish? Maybe. But is it fair to you that you would be miserable? You hate your job, don't want to move to another new country and would have to live with a MIL in order to maintain the relationship as permanent. Question - is this the second go around with this girlfriend? And do you really feel this is a forever relationship?
I think you have already made your decision. You just have to act on it.
Bob,
You have some wonderful friends. I am really blown away by their advice & support.
Love you,
Mom
Bob,
That is quite the dilemma, but also a great opportunity. Your life is at a crossroads, but that is never a bad thing. Dan is right, the lifestyle was/is great, but sometimes we feel we have a higher calling in life. Don't get me wrong, I loved my life in DD and I think back with great memories, but things now are awesome. I am busy, I go to school, I have exam stress, but I feel like I am accomplishing stuff/learning new things and meeting new people all the time, and I am being paid something more like I am worth for the effort I put in - there's nothing worse than working hard and not having that effort recognised.
I think sometimes you have to be a bit selfish - it does seem like a career vs girlfriend decision, but you may be able to have your cake and eat it. I would say go back and do what you love - you are far too creative and talented to be doing ESL teaching for the rest of your life. If she is willing to come with you, try it and see how it works, she may fall in love with it! I personally think you'll be happier back in the USA (even if it is 2nd best to Canada). If she is not willing to try, then maybe she is not the one for you. You definitely give a lot, but it does not seem that it is that reciprocal. It can be hard to see that sometimes - as you know with me, breaking up was hard, but I am happier than ever right now. Like Kristin said, you just have to act on your decision.
Leigh
p.s. let's try and chat over xmas.
I was hoping to hear from you while I was in NY over the holidays, and thought we might chat there.
After all, I did just what you are contemplating except I kept my girlfriend and married her after.
Also, sorry that we didn't connect during the summer- I didn't get to Germany until the last minute, and then left for Copenhagen the next morning. :(
My $.02:
1. Make sure you have a plan for what you will do with a degree from RIT, esp how you will pay the loans afterwards. Hard to land on your feet while swimming in debt and also be happy in a job you love if you can't find one that pays enough to move out of mom & dad's. Not impossible either, but you do need a plan a, b, c, and d!
2. If its really love, she'll come with you. Or you'll go with her. If you have to ask... you probably already have your answer.
3. You'll meet all kinds of hot chicks in the photo dept...
good luck! Bill C
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