Code

Am I the only one who reflects, and sometimes, yearns for the past?

Not necessarily wanting it ALL back, per se, but maybe about how different my life would have been if I'd made different choices.

I talk to this friend, and he sometimes jokes about how I'm so free and single and I can run all over Europe, while he's settled and married. I envy that, too.

Or if I had "played my cards differently", I would still be in Rochester, settled. Or a rock star. Or suffering in a job where I felt powerless and my boss just backhanded enough to keep me there under his thumb.

And sometimes the silliest things trigger this feeling: a song I haven't heard (and didn't even like) since that time, the smell of vanilla that will always bring me back to that time with that particular ex, the music I made that I drag out and listen to sometimes with a pang of regret (even though the singer was a narcissist and it took me seeing 2 sets of other band members leave before I saw the writing on the wall) that had we stayed together, we may have become something.

I am happy about where I've "landed" and I am satisfied with my life. But I sometimes stop and reflect on the decisions I've made (or haven't made) and wonder how differently my life would have been.

And similar to the feeling of that job you leave even though you know you could have stayed there to "tough it out", or the excellent lover you leave, or leaves you, and deep down you know you'd be better off, or not joining that band you tried out for and accepted you with no issues because you wanted to go a different (and ultimately unsuccessful musical direction)–that what if? feeling–is the opposite, but equally powerful feeling is the feeling of accomplishment.

That feeling of moving to Europe and staying here on my own. Setting up a life here on my own. Perusing a passion/hobby that I absolutely love even when I don't think I do. Having a few really good, close friends whom I can really talk to.

And yes, sometimes it's about the "what if?".