From The Archives!

This was dug out of my old iWeb entries and reposted due to popular request. (also for memories' sake) I may add another entry to this series only because before I got together with my girlfriend, I had a few more experiences...

Back On The Horse!! (Dating in Bob’s World, Part 1)

Since my dream of a supermodel gymnast nymphomaniac with a low self-esteem knocking on my door and begging me to marry her won’t ever come true–regardless of how long I wait and hope—I’ve taken the advice of my friend and enrolled in a “dating website”.

So...if it’s a disaster, I am holding him responsible.

I figured that talking about my dates (if I have any) would be a good subject for blogging. After all, who doesn’t like reading about someone else’s triumphs and tragedies??

So...after week one, I am happy to report that I had my first official date in 8 months!

And it was about as sterile and lifeless as any first date with 2 people totally filled with expectation only to be let down when they see the other in person.

But I was a gentleman. I stuck it out for 2 hours...over a walk and coffee. (this is not easy as I was desperately thinking of things to suddenly come up)

See...this whole chemistry thing is complicated. In theory, any 2 people should be able to date with no problems. But, when you factor in language differences and the fact that she was totally uninteresting, it makes it difficult to pretend to stay interested. (“oh...look at the rain!!” I kept saying at one point) Plus, I had the feeling that she wanted someone to take care of her

I think I may ask my friend to be my “out” next time...you know: the phone call strategically placed an hour into the date so that I can say that someone is hurt or dead just to get away from the hideous experience that one has to endure while trying to “find the right person”.

And I am insane enough to be single enough to endure this!

She wasn’t evil or anything. She was just a bit too “Dresden” for me.
____________________

Psycho, Ugly, or Both (Dating in Bob’s World, Part 2)

Maybe I am approaching this thing from the wrong angle.

But: how intimate can one be over an internet chat...in a foreign language?

This girl has been chatting with me and she is a bit of a complicated person. Why, do you ask? Because she wants, it seems, a full on commitment before she sends me a picture of what she looks like.

What does that tell you? It tells me either she is really ugly and she is afraid to show me a picture until she is sure that I like her, or she is really beautiful, afraid that someone will only like her for her looks, and she is afraid to show me a picture until she is sure that I like her.

I’m guessing the first. I’m a pessimist.

Here is an example of the conversations we’ve been having:

Me: How are you?

Her: Fine. Do you have any questions for me?

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet) What is your favorite color?

Her: Blue and green. Any more questions?

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet) Do you like your job?

Her: Yes...(short explanation of job)...any more questions?

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet) Can you send me a picture?

Her: Not yet. I don’t trust you enough. Any more questions?

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet AND she must be ugly) Do you like puppies?

Her: Yes. What are you feeling at this moment?

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet AND she must be ugly) I feel tired. And you?

Her: I feel excited and I am looking forward to another chat with you!

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet AND she must be ugly) That’s nice.

Her: Any more questions? You can ask anything!

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet AND she must be ugly) Why did you and your last boyfriend split up?

Her: That’s too personal. Any more questions? You can ask anything!

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet AND she must be ugly) Do you like music?

Her: Yes...(short description of music she likes) Any more questions? You can ask anything!

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet AND she must be ugly) You said you still cared for your ex. How long have you been single?

Her: That’s too personal. Any more questions? You can ask anything!

Her (again): What are you feeling right now! I want you to tell me!

Me: (thinking: why hasn’t she given me a picture yet AND she must be ugly) I feel tired. (from trying to interpret everything into English)

Her: Do I annoy you? You don’t seem interested in me!

Me: (thinking: no shit! You have 5 pictures of me and you are partially interested in me because of how I look! Why won’t you let me see how you look!)

And so on.

Looks do have something to do with attraction. And until I see what she looks like, I am simply not gonna commit any more energy to this person.

Maybe I am destined to be single. Maybe I did something in a past life and I am really paying for it now. But these are the people I have to have contact with.

And the saddest thing? When she’s online, I still chat with her! Maybe I am hoping she’ll be a nymphomaniac supermodel gymnast with a low self-esteem. It’s a tall order, but you never know—dreams can come true.
_________________________________

Sleeping On a Straw Mat Isn’t So Bad... (Dating in Bob’s World, Part 3)

*sigh*

Oh yeah—I cut my losses and ran.

What precious knowledge have I gained from the month of “web dating”?

Don’t ever do it.

Seriously, if you have 2 choices: web dating or giving up completely and traveling far away to “marry God” in some convent or monastery, size yourself up for a robe and get ready to eat only bread and sleep on a straw mat.

Let’s see...I never found out what the psycho chick from Leipzig looked like...I’m guessing she was a heifer. I’m betting on it, actually.

So...no regrets, no remorse...I just would rather keep my money and try actually MEETING people the old fashioned way.

Stalking them.

Really! I had a really nice chat with a female friend the other night, and she told me that you really need to be that way with “the woman you want to be with”.

Here’s what she said: her current boyfriend didn’t interest her in the slightest when they first met. He was interested, but she wasn’t. So what did he do when she wouldn’t give him her number?

He got it from a friend of hers. And called her. And sent her messages. She replied to “a couple” as she says, but she still wasn’t interested.

(This is where I’d have collected what dignity I had left and went elsewhere to nurse my wounds. But oh no - he persisted)

So, after being ignored, he shows up at her work with flowers.

Long story short: they’re together.

So, apparently, I need to stalk the person I am interested in make myself look like an idiot and disregard any signals of disinterest. As she said: “you need to set yourself apart from the average guy”.

Yeah, right.

Whatever happened to boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl meet over coffee, boy finds out girl is a nymphomaniac gymnast with a low self-esteem and is madly in love with boy, boy and girl live happily ever after?
________________________________

“...hey, I’ve got this friend...”(Dating in Bob’s World, Part 4)

It’s official: I am one of THOSE people who gets set up by well-meaning friends.

Don’t get me wrong—beggars cannot be choosers, I just wished that a date would come naturally...so naturally, in fact, that I wouldn’t even have to do anything to get the date.

But that’s not gonna happen.

Enter “the set up”.

It sounds ok.

“Hey Bob, my girlfriend’s got a friend who’s looking for an intelligent guy.”

(Looking around) “Oh! You’re talking to ME!”

“Yeah, so what do you think?”

(what do I think?) “Is she cute?”

...and so on...

Stay tuned...
_________________________________
Will You Help Me With My Bags? (Dating in Bob’s World, part 5)

A conversation between me, my angel on my shoulder, and my devil on my shoulder:

ME: Hmm...this girl they want to set me up with has a kid.

ANGEL: How interesting! You handled this before, it’s no big deal.

DEVIL: SHUT UP! Don’t listen to him—you won’t have any fun!

ME: He’s got a point, Angel. I do want to DATE, and not simply take the place of a father. I want to go out and have fun...

ANGEL: You can! Maybe not every day, but then you’d appreciate the times you did go out.

DEVIL: Yeah...”Kids pay 1/2 price”. Get used to that...

ME: Hmmm....I see your point, Devil.

ANGEL: Yes, but you shouldn’t judge HER because she has a kid.

DEVIL: Yeah...plus she puts out. You have proof.

ANGEL: What does that have to do with anything??!!

ME: Yeah! What DOES that have to do with anything?

DEVIL: You know...her friend said that she was cute and took care of herself. She’s probably hot.

ANGEL: Looks aren’t everything. The personality is important, too.

DEVIL: Yeah—after you’ve done the nasty and can’t move! He’s right, you may have to stick around and actually talk to her.

ME: WOAH WOAH! Take it easy here! I just want to know if her having a kid is gonna bother me.

DEVIL: Well, she puts out.

ANGEL: Well, maybe you should meet the kid, too, and see if you hit it off with him/her.

ME: That’s not a bad idea.

DEVIL: Sure, if you like that kind of thing.

ME: Oh, now what does that mean??!

DEVIL: Nothing. I’m going to get a beer.

ANGEL: He really shouldn’t drink so much.