Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Memory is Probably Always Better Than it Really Was

Last night, I went to see a singer/songwriter open mic at a cafe. Well, there was no open mic and there hasn’t been an open mic there in two years. So, I had a coffee and hung out there for a little while. It was nice, but I didn’t really want to be alone. So I started to go home and decided to take a different way home just for the hell of it. As I got closer to the ramp to get on the correct highway I had these memories of an ex that lived out that way. So, perhaps inspired by the music I was listening to or just basic stalker compulsion (I really don’t think I am a stalker), I decided to take a detour and see if I can retrace the route I used to go when going to pick her up.

It was muscle memory, really. I knew to turn left twice and the house was at the end of that road...but then the house wasn’t there anymore. So I sat in a lot where the house was once, and thought about this experience. This whole time (a few minutes of reliving that particular piece of my past) was an interesting experiment in what I remember and what actually IS.

And as I went back the way I came, I decided that I’d try to stop off at a rest stop, where we used to go to be alone and listen to our favorite band, just to see how it might feel to sit there. What emotions/feeling would come up?

It was closed.

Ironic. Or not so. It’s actually very fitting to the situation in which I find myself. I was gone for so long and there was so much time and so much experience between these memories that it’s probably silly to expect that things would remain as they used to be. Of course it’s silly.

But also: how I processed the way it was back at that time...was it realistic - or real? Was my filter of reality accurately giving me what was really happening?

I think not.

I am a much different person than I was. Some would say I am argumentative or judgmental. Perhaps I am. But I don’t mean it that way at all. I’m trying to find out who I am through other people. I want to make connections so that I can see who I am.

I would say that I am struggling everyday to have an accurate take on what this reality is - whatever that might mean. I struggle and try to see things as they really are and it’s hard to try to figure out everyone’s filter so I can adjust to each person in order to have some sort of meaningful relationship while trying to maintain my own identity.

And so I struggle.

I’ve probably lost a perceived friendship with this above mentioned ex because of this struggle. But conforming to what someone expects me to be is not who I really am and I cannot - will not - ever be that way again. If I lose a friend here and there, I have to really step back and think “was he/she really my friend then?”

But it goes deeper than that. Which is why I struggle.

I had a completely unfulfilled evening. But maybe that is exactly what I needed.

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