Friday, March 18, 2011

This Being Single Thing.

Getting dumped again by Ivana really kinda sucked. I mean, TWICE?! Come on... but the bad part isn’t that I’ll never see her again - that actually might be the good part - it’s that I have to start. all. over. again.

A few years ago that might have been a great thing. Hell, it might even be now, too. It’s just the older I get, the harder it seems to be to find people I can relate to and people that are not full of fucked up issues or carrying baggage from whatever past they hobbled out of.

I tried for three months. It was okish and I met a nice girl who I get together with from time to time but I don’t feel any chemistry there. (false advertising I have great chats with her and she is full of life and cute and stuff but there doesn’t seem to be much else there.

100 bucks wasted on that experiment.

But then it isn’t. Because it got me thinking about what I may or may not want in a relationship (let’s not even say commitment because of the issues I have with that).

Do I want kids?

Do I want a house?

Do I want what anyone sees as a typical life?

So then I start thinking that perhaps I don’t want these things due to my issues to ever finish or commit to anything. And this seems more like an easy way out. But is it? I mean, I don’t know if I ever want kids. (Yes, Blayke, I know you said I should have one but I am still not convinced) I am fairly certain a house might not be something I really want to struggle for. I see what the housing market has done to screw so many people that I think “really? this is the ‘merican dream, huh?” and I am not sure this is what I want to waste my energy on. As for a typical life: what is that? World view, morals, and my experiences shape how I see my life and it ain’t typical. It ain’t that special either. It’s absolutely NOTHING and means exactly that.

So there.

This dovetails a bit with how I am feeling about this potential medical issue I have. Since December, I’ve recognized that my sense of smell is different. Coffee and some food and perfumes smell “off”. I’ve done what I can afford as far as trying to diagnose what it is and it’s either sinuses or a tumor. I hope it’s not a tumor.

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